What follows on this post are the rantings of a night spent on a high. It was 22nd January, Saturday, Spring Fest. I had decided to kill myself, i'd decided to pull the trigger.
I wanted the bullet to plough through my brains. It was a dark, sad rainy night. There wasn't any anger, there wasn't any fear, no hope, no joy nor love either. It was a strange kind of completeness.
Here's what happened:
i wudnt know what s right, what is wrong... i know i'm confused. i should be, if things were easy...then nothing would be worth it. u came u saw... u conquered. i know that i know it for sure.
every beat of the song... sends blood pumping thru my system. i feel strange... its like living in my dream, its like crazed out, and freakyits mad and crazy... every thing is broken up in trances... every thing is psychedilic... purple lights
i feel like im dead. the underlying feeling... of being sad.. of hate &angst as hate has poured out, i hate this and why r we trying to change the level
why am i trying to move from pining for love to angst and hate...."pining for love" and "angst" 2 absolutely different frequencies...
I know u wlk the streets of death, of darkness hidden by light...the next level... and i wish u were here...
fuck every body's FREAKED OUT!!! theyve freaked out, evryon'es so differrent... every ones changed, i wanna die, wanna quit, yes i'm a cowaradi quit, i hvae nothing left to leave,,, my body weigs a million tonnes...hte earth pulls me in... this is heavier than ever...
i'm dead my frnd is dead too, i'm alne and so is she
were finished , over, all in all we wer all just bricks inthe wall...
i'll see this night thru .... yes its been funny at times... evry ones so confused.... i'm coughing ! aah it pains...sweet dear "air",,, are u always dead,.. i;m fling .. its SO wierd............................
sure was a crazy night. wasn't it??
1 comment:
I think youre lying. I dont think youve ever smoked pot, and if you have, that night was the first time. I think that you wanted attention. If you wanted to kill yourself, you would have. I can understand this because when i was younger i "tried" to kill myself several times, but failed because i wanted attention, not death. the only time i REALLY tried to kill myself, i was in the hospital for almost a month, and in the state psychiatric hospital (in elgin) for five months. look, i can understand the need for attention, but you need to realise what youre doing by posting this (even though it was several years ago). you need to realise that parents are going to see this, and when they catch their kids smoking pot, theyre going to get deathly afraid and overreact. i went through an extensive addiction to heroin (when i was17until i was 21 and when i trace it all back, it started when my mom overreacted to finding out i was a stoner (i was 15) and sending me to rehab after halfway house after rehab. to any concerned parents who might read this, what went wrong is that instead of going through a (pretty much normal these days) "stoner" phase (which alot of kids go through these days), i went to rehab and learned about stronger drugs and how to get away with them. I am a living example that premature rehab actually encourages drug use, the way prison ultimately can encourage further criminal activity. I am now clean and going to college to become a drug councelor. IF ANYONE HAS ANY QUESTIONS AT ALL, EVEN IF YOU THINK THEYRE STUPID, EMAIL ME AT crookedcigarette@hotmail.com, or hit up my page at http://www.myspace.com/crookedcigarette
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