Saturday, October 21, 2006

Diwali

Diwali brings together a lot of things. Mostly happy memories. Back in Kgp, Diwali is a magical affair. Captured in the lighting up of thousands of diyas in a few seconds. The transformation of darkness into form and light. For most of us in the village it is a time away from home. We hardly get any vacation. So for the student community, when the sleepless nights of hardwork and days of planning finally crystallize into that magical diya lit composition, the longing for home takes the back seat, even if momentarily. And even if we mull the same topic every year, Illu or no Illu, being a part of the whole process and watching the thousands of diyas, lighting up in a few seconds to give form to the shapes on the chatais and life to the story put together by all the chatais... it all seems worth it.

Back home, theres a Kali Pujo in the para. And theres a different set of things to be worried about out here. For me its a much needed breather. A little time-out to enable me to stop and breathe a little more. Other than the flurry of activity centred around the para pujo its laid back and free from the precipitating tension of the world outside. Give to a villager this picture and he (and the very few she's) shall name it heaven. Now, almost at the end of college (haan yeh movie waala effect hai, with background music for the punchline:) i realize that most of us crave for times like this. And within a few months time we will be all too far away from it....

Over the years a lot of my friends and myself too, began liking the stay at Kgp during vacation times. The peaceful calm that pervades the village during vacations is in sharp contrast to sem time. Its a time when you can go to bed without the impending thoughts of assignments to be done, guide to be met, football practice to wake up for, worry about your future and realize that IIT didn't make much of a difference, somehow the ticket you thought you had got was lost now... and then curse yourself and wonder where you're headed. Though the worries are shared by almost all of us, the art of grim thinking is my area of specialization.

With college coming to an end, one is often flooded with such profound and scary questions on a regular basis. The good times to mull over such important issues are meal times, it helps the digestive process which begs for support as the battle to eat and digest mess food rages every single day of hostel life.

And therefore one has come home to escape the voices in his head from doing all sorts of shit to him... and eat good biryani and mangsho and sit by the lake under a firecracker lit sky...

Happy Diwali to you all...

Sorry for a long and winded post. Has been a long time, with a lot of things on my mind...

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

drug

It always happens this way he thought, it starts off with this crazy rush that no drug can give you; but unlike the drug it's difficult to keep getting back the rush every single time. And unlike the drug, unless you find something after the heady feeling gives way, it becomes a just burning flame, susceptible to the gust of wind that would just turn the page in your book...

He'd seen his friend go through the same thing, one moment you see the perfect picture to hold on to forever; and then next moment you just switch off. For his friend that urge to hold on died an unexpected death. And what seemed to be the most amazing thing to have ever happened after she left him just dissolved into the distances and the fog of memories... leaving him lost again.

But for him it was different, he had found something beyond the rush, something that was as inexplicable as it was powerful. This strong urge to hold on, to keep it close and guarded and safe. Maybe because the first time you fall so hard for this drug, nothing can seem to match the intensity. And nothing will. Ever.

But lets say that the tragedy of it all lay in the realization that the more he tried to hold on the more it seemed to slip away. "Kind of a catch-22 situation" he laughed himself to comfort, which was rare.

This was and had been the best of everything, but I guess even God charged taxes for extra benefits, for his was the stuff dreams are made of. The stuff that can keep you smiling in the darkest of storms. Something easy to make others jealous of you being God's favourite child. There was a lot of pain involved in it, maybe it was a test? He doesn't know, but now he keeps company with songs in the lonely hours after midnight. Hoping that things would fall into place, that all the effort would be worth it, because he knew he'd given everything and could give yet more only and only hoping he wouldn't lose the best thing that ever happened to him.

Saturday, October 07, 2006

The village can drive you crazy, its not a place but often a depressing state of mind. I feel so much more healthier when I'm home. And funnily I feel disconnected from home...

Right now, too many things seem wrong.
.....

Earlier in the day I was watching a few delightful PIXAR videos on the LAN... heres one I loved! Watch out for the expressions of the birds.