Sunday, January 30, 2005

I was out for a bath. As i came back to my room, my cell beeped. Was a message from Frikol. Dude if you're reading this, man thanx a lot for the message. I'm surprised you remember today. Yes today it was that we landed in the village of Orsha. I still remember the wintry cold night. I remember the snow covering the whole landscape, glistening in moonlight. Yes we were happy, for we'd finally reached the blue planet. But it was also a time of parting for us. And the hour was sad.

Its been 20 long years from then on. And today is the twenty first time i recall that night. 20 years of disillusionment is all i can claim them to be. I have seen the hate that tears apart this world and i've seen heartening solidarity in whole nations coming together in times of grief. Its been a mixed time for me here. And humans are very complex creatures. Most of all today as i sit back and think of all that has passed me. I feel old, i feel like the better times of my share of time here on this planet slipping away.

Today is cold and dank. The streets are wet and as i was walking back from class i saw the neon street lights reflected off the wet road. I was smoking a cigarette. It was a romantic experience. No i don't mean that i'd have loved to walk down the road with a female. I mean to say that the feeling of walking dwon the way i was, alone and lost in the picture was complete. There was sheer joy in the whole setting and it required nothing more to fulfill its completeness.

Today is your birhtday, yes and i'm happy the way it has been till now. Its very different now, not like it used to be when you were a kid. You'd have all your friends come over for a birthday bash. It used to be a day looked forward to. You were the hero that day. The guy of the moment. Everyone form your aunt, to your grandmother to the even the driver doted on you today. All your friends got together and you'd play hide and seek or darkroom, and run amok. Turn the house upside down. It'd be a day of gifts. And i remember your first Moby Dick and The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer. And i remember your mild crush on Aditi. Ofcourse it was so innocent then and so harmless. I remember all the birthday games too. Tailing the donkey and others of the sort. I remember that one in particular when you'd looked up the recipe of butterfly sandwiches in The Telegraph and asked your mother to make them for your friends. And she made the most beautiful butterflies you'd ever seen.

Happy Birthday son...

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

marijuana...(death)

What follows on this post are the rantings of a night spent on a high. It was 22nd January, Saturday, Spring Fest. I had decided to kill myself, i'd decided to pull the trigger.

I wanted the bullet to plough through my brains. It was a dark, sad rainy night. There wasn't any anger, there wasn't any fear, no hope, no joy nor love either. It was a strange kind of completeness.

Here's what happened:


i wudnt know what s right, what is wrong... i know i'm confused. i should be, if things were easy...then nothing would be worth it. u came u saw... u conquered. i know that i know it for sure.

every beat of the song... sends blood pumping thru my system. i feel strange... its like living in my dream, its like crazed out, and freakyits mad and crazy... every thing is broken up in trances... every thing is psychedilic... purple lights

i feel like im dead. the underlying feeling... of being sad.. of hate &angst as hate has poured out, i hate this and why r we trying to change the level

why am i trying to move from pining for love to angst and hate...."pining for love" and "angst" 2 absolutely different frequencies...

I know u wlk the streets of death, of darkness hidden by light...the next level... and i wish u were here...

fuck every body's FREAKED OUT!!! theyve freaked out, evryon'es so differrent... every ones changed, i wanna die, wanna quit, yes i'm a cowaradi quit, i hvae nothing left to leave,,, my body weigs a million tonnes...hte earth pulls me in... this is heavier than ever...

i'm dead my frnd is dead too, i'm alne and so is she
were finished , over, all in all we wer all just bricks inthe wall...

i'll see this night thru .... yes its been funny at times... evry ones so confused.... i'm coughing ! aah it pains...sweet dear "air",,, are u always dead,.. i;m fling .. its SO wierd............................



sure was a crazy night. wasn't it??

spent

I feel like killing the whole world. When can I find to sit in the warm sunshine, on a cold winter’s morning listening to Simon and Garfunkel croon about being homeward bound. When do I have any time. She aptly said: time flies, tempus fugit.

“The fringed curtains of thine eye advance,
And say what thou seest yond”

No later does the world come together in a vicious grip, tightening squeezing every ounce, drop and iota of my energy. I suffocate.

Today was one of the worst. The meeting got over at 2 a.m. I went to Katoch’s room to write a lab. By 3:30 a.m. I was through with two pages and had nodded off to sleep. Katoch woke me up and asked me to come back in the morning. I cycled on a FREEZING January night from RK to NH. It was one of the purest experiences. Woke up at around 10 a.m. after pushing off to sleep at around 4:30 a.m. Ran to Katoch picked up the notices that were photocopied in the morning, and the lab report. Our experiment ran into 12 pages of writing and I got busy with that. Hurried through lunch , skipped my alternate day bath and ran off to class dog-tired.

After being on a constant dope and liquor high for a stretch of 2 days during SF. After being pushed through 4 hour nights on a heavy dosage of extreme stimulants, I’m presently having withdrawal symptoms. That’s what Katoch says, in fact it seems plausible too, coz I’m normally never tired after a 5 and a half hour sleep. I’m nodding off wherever I sit quietly for a while.

Anyways after a relatively peaceful lab I run to catch an Amitav Ghosh lecture. Too bad I was totally out of sorts today, or else I would have definitely enjoyed the talk immensely. I seriously have never read up such a versatile author in recent times. And man! He looks SO dignified. WHITE hair, black suit, and a red rose in the breast pocket. He looked classy.

After this I ran to Basant’s room to pick up the C-Up Your skills problem statements, and the notices. One glitch led to another… all were inevitabilities, and the notices got delayed by 1 hour.

And after all that happened we got jhaaroed by the heads today.

For the last 24 hours I haven’t had a single second to myself. I feel frust, dead and done with. I need a punching bag. I could make each head run naked on the streets right now, this cold night. I’m tired beyond imagination. My nerves are frayed and I’m absolutely spent. My nicotine consumption has shot up like never before, because now I can’t carry on any more on my own. I’m running full time on support systems (stimulants). In fact at present i'm too tired even to carry on any further. I need to shout at some one...


will do it but some other time now... bye

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

emotionally yours...

Human emotions are amazing aren’t they? At one moment the world seems to have been made for you and at the very next you're probably an ugly doormat that people use to clean their shoes with. This is the beauty of it all. A famous ghazal singer once said that a human is most creative when in deep pain or extreme joy.

I write in pain and grief, for joy there isn’t any left. I know I act stupid, I know I act impulsive. I know this is naïve but the rush of tumultuous emotions is a rush like no other. So let me flourish and let me revel. Let me make the most of it and God give me the strength. The strength to take it all on. Maybe tomorrow shall be a better day. Maybe tomorrow shall bring joy forth. Today is deep and dark and without light or hope. And from the deepest throes of pain let me scream and vent my fury cause this is my only way out, my only escape. Yes I am a coward for I a mortal. Yes I am thankful that mortals aren’t immune to all that is immortal.

Sometimes its always wrong. And sometimes I feel cheated. Sometimes the world is the cruellest joke played on you. In a flash your high up there and it couldn’t get rosier. And then in a bang your right down there, where you never thought you’d ever be.

Time flies they say. Everything seems to be running away from you. If there’s anything I’d ever want to be in an afterlife it would be a mountain. Loving an inanimate object is being lucky. They don’t cheat you, they don’t spurn you. They say the fear of rejection should be forgone for love is unconditional. But animals and inanimate objects understand this the best for their love is unconditional. Humans are not animals. They are humans.

I don’t know whats come over me. But this is the way I feel presently. I hope it doesn’t last long and I know my brain is trying to make sense of the moment at hand through these lines I speak to you. Calvin said my brain is trying to kill me. Einstien said time was relative. Everything is true and yet humans (which includes me) are probably the most despicable creatures on Mother Earth. I feel cheated, and this is what comes out. I cry and shout and scream. I can only marvel at Mother Earth’s tolerance.

… you should know that even though what I’ve written isn’t very coherent, what I feel at present must be very apparent. Deep anguish and deep pain- let me cry to myself now for that is all I have left- bye

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

elevation...

Well somethings up with me and this site it seems... somehow i've surpassed the impassable. I've continued writing unending pure bullshit for a period of over 7 days now. I don't know how this happened, but it is something good. Atleast i'm getting some tempo to write. Maybe i can let this grow and morph into something more meaningful and greater.

For the day that passed. Well it began on a very frustrating note as i ran for a 7:30 a.m. class in dense fog only to realise after having reached there that the class had been rescheduled to 8:30 a.m. And this after having gone to bed at 4 a.m. in the morning. The night had been pretty eventful and fruitful, maybe or maybe not we managed to avert something none of us would have wanted to happen: heads conducting volu interviews. Was a long wait through the night, but ultimately of consequence.

Sleepy through out the day, i slept thru most classes though i hope i didn't miss much of importance. Evening was probably the best of all. Volu selections, a first time experience of condcuting interviews. It was great fun asking people absolutely unexpected questions and checking out their reactions. It was a nice experience and was good fun to be back together.

After having been off from meetings for 2 days things resumed and we've returned to our normal schedules. Returning to our rooms late at night. ANd running to classes early in the morning though thankfully i have no classes tomorrow morning.

And yes to end with the terminal feelings of the day. It passed well. Certain small incidents throughout the day made me feel good. Yesterday onwards things had taken an upswing and thank god all my fears were founded wrong. Things went so well and peaceful. And everything's just great.

I guess its these small emotional upheavals that my poor self is subjected to make each day memorable and special. Yeah i may not be the regular long haired, nicotene, caffiene addict at heart. Maybe i'm a crazy romantic, in love with nature and its beauty. Infact that is one of my strong phases (refer to the phase theory in a previous post). And that is why my outer self often conflicts with the inner one. But then again there are times of absoute compatibility and mutual peace. When i'm so contended that i shun social contact. I like to be left alone, wallowing in my own thoughts and ponderings. This level of elevation often happens to me when i'm on a trip to the mountains. I always take a walk around the place on my own at least once. Nothing is then allowed to come in between me and my appreciation of nature. Its at times like this, any sort of company becomes a drag, be it her....

More on this later.... sorry for the abrupt end...

Sunday, January 16, 2005

to you...

Another Sunday morning... another week gone by another week ahead. A Simon and Garfunkel songs wafts through the air. The soft lyrics, the sweet music. A balm to heal the pain. Theres lots i want to say. But no ear to heed me.

Some times, i'm a bird flying into the distant horizon hoping to find land. Sometimes i'm an African slave deep in the hull of a ship sailing towards the Americas, taking me away from home. Sometimes i'm a lover, pining for my unrequited love. Cofused. Damned. Worried. Crazy and yet madly in love. Sometimes i'm the mountain, towering above all the clouds, the sun shining bright on my icy cap. I could be the frothing, gurgling fountain making my way down the beautiful mountain side i wish i could be. Yes i am also the lonesome cactus in the desert, oblivious. I am the song of pain a lonely poet wrote.

I'm all the joy in the world, all the pain, all the beauty. But theres still someone who's greater than me. More beautiful, more happy, more sad. More meldious, brighter than the sun, darker than the night. Colder than the blizzard, fiercer than the storm.

She makes me humble, makes me small, diminishes my stature to nothingness...


Friday, January 14, 2005

of things unheard and unsaid...

Well, now i'm certain. Though again, certainity is fleeting. I personally feel that something that remains unsaid, unspoken, unfinished is more beautiful than something complete. Initially, with respect to certain things, i always felt that it should never remain unspoken and unsaid and die an unfulfilled death. But now i guess i'm convinced that the beauty anything unfinished is much, much more beautiful.

I like the unsung song, the yet un-climbed mountain, the unfinished painting. The pregnancy of expectancy, of silence. It is so much more beautiful.

I fear and thus have decided that i'm never telling the one what i feel. Making something obvious, coming clean, stripping your thoughts of their protection of the consciousness that is you, spoils everything. It spoils the spontaenity. I fear it shall change her, alter her. Once the poison is injected it begins working its way through the significant other. She is a dream, and i don't want my consciousness to break through and overpower my subconciousnes. Let them remain and enjoy the priceless heaven they have been fateful enough to beget. Therein lies my salvation, my redemption, my only joy, my only pain, undiluted and pure.

And this is best for both, i believe. Because emotions are fleeting. Religion and faith are strong. And yet the person who yeilds to these is weak. Shackling your mind with some constant and unyeilding dedication (i presently like to believe) is a sign of weakness.

The very motivation pushing me to write all this is sourced at the fact that things are still unsaid, unheard and unspoken. The urge to make something complete is mammoth, and this is precisely what makes the unfinished so attractive and appealing. Yes paradoxical it is, but true it is.

Challo then no more complexities... maybe i shall come clean some day... owe you an example...- bye

Thursday, January 13, 2005

hectic

Was a very hectic day today. Got up pretty late, skipped breakfast, ran to class, man the fog was awesome, and ended up not understanding anything in class coz I reached late. Been upset since yesterday. Was feeling extremely irritated all through the day. As it is yesterday didn’t end on too happy a note. And today begun on a hangover maybe, wasn’t too grand a beginning either.

Basically our heads jhaaroed a few of us bigtime. And the one person I thought wouldn’t break up did. Felt bad, yes for her. Dunno yeh I do know it’s like pretty crazy. But that’s what it was like. By the end of the first class was damn hungry, but had some fest work on hand. Went around with Katoch and managed to get over with it. Finally rushed over to Harry’s for four idly’s, a shared chai and a couple of fags. Was pretty sleepy by then too. Had slept 8 hours in the past 40 hours. Late night meetings and early morning classes being the reason.

Being a good friend of mine I felt awful at not having been around to comfort her. Kept eating me inside out. Couldn’t mail cause the net was down. Couldn’t call cause I’d run out of balance. But finally after lunch did manage to message her, which I hope she did get. It’s a very grey area, a very uncertain thing. Sometimes I’m like all happy and contended to be my grand own self, dreaming of the mountains, humming U2 numbers, reading up novels, hoping to run the 100 metres within the magical 13 seconds and visualising a left footed curler, making past the airborne fully stretched goalkeeper kissing the crossbar and hitting the back of the net ( a sexy goal!)…. and then heh, suddenly I’m lost in a gamut of colourful confusing thoughts. Suddenly I’m left all empty.

Its so cozy here in my room. I’m wrapped up in a quilt and wearing a jacket. Goo Goo Dolls singing about the girl right next to them. A warm glowy feeling. Yes I am happy, happy with myself. Happy cause I’m doing all my classes. I’m slowly getting rid of the fear of doing long stretches of classes. Wednesday morning I did all 5 morning classes (from 7:30 a.m.- 12:30 p.m.) after having slept at 4 a.m. in the morning. It was a confidence building experience, I managed to stay awake all through, get decent notes and actually feel interested.
Haven't bunked a single class, feel that i can manage to keep my frequent library visits on. Till now things have been on track.

And oh yes i sure have to be on track, cause if i'm not, well then i think i'll quit. It did sound crazy when i first thought about it, and probably does too. But studying literature would have been so much more better. Jadavpur was the place to be. No, i'm not saying this of the extremely attractive Bohemian culture there. But cause i guess i could have done all things i like doing most out there and manage well, cause i'd be studying something i'm definitely more interested in.

Anyways let all that be, today seems to be a day when my thoughts are flowing at regulated pace, healthy enough for me to be able to key them in.

Challo then thnx for the 2nd read....-bye

Saturday, January 08, 2005

to start with...

I've tried this before, but failed miserably. It's probably the most shameful exposition of the self the net could have thrown at us.Yes i AM talking of "blogging". This time i got lured in by the looks. Superficiality appeals to all.

There are probably a million and one thots that breeze thru my head each day, but the motivation to sit down and actually put them down lacks in me in a very big way.

Its a new year. Yes a sad beginning indeed. Especially living in a country directly affected by the Tsunami. Many things struck me as the horrific weeks of unending pain unfolded infront of my eyes on TV. Firstly how helpless and insignificant we are when it comes to Mother Nature. I am a pictoral person. I visualise EVREYTHING. Imagine a lone man standing on a deserted beach, stretching for miles around. The darkening skies, flashes of thunder hidden by the overcast sky. A mammoth silent sea breathing. The mammothness, the sheer magnitutde of evrything is, simply put HUMBLING. We are but tiny miniscule humans driven by ambition and imagination to seek our place under the skies. And all it takes is one heave by Mother Earth to throw EVERYTHING topsy turvy.
Evrything is wrecked decimated. Nothing stands.

It was probably over in 30 minutes. 1.25 lakh, LAKH, were dead. Just 30 minutes it took for all this to happen. And its funny how we took whole weeks to figure out how many were dead. We were probably like the ants you'd see scurry in confusion if you'd kick an ant hill. Its funny how insignificant we are.

Yes we are a magnificient race. We have our artists, singers, musicians, actors, engineers, thinkers, scientists. We push the limits of our existence through sheer imagination. We blur the edges and tug at them, stretching in every direction. But all it took was a single heave. And it all came crashing down like a house of cards.

If anything else, thru this incident, i gained respect. It was a reminder that no matter how great we maybe we still are extrememly insignificant. We are small and we should respect that. "Humility is a great virtue"- it seems such a hollow statement. As if its like some new hi-fi-music system worth having just to increase your value in the "cool" department. I think we just got the best reasons as to why we should recognise what we are and respect our position in the scheme of things.

Its at times like this. At times of great joy or grief, when we should sit back and introspect on the meaningfulness of our lives. Are what we doing worth it. Are we actually living for a purpose. As long as you can ask yourself that question and answer yourself honestly. I think you are doing fine.

Guess i got a little carried away there. But thats all on my mind presently.
Bye. Hope you'll be around to read me up again.