Morrison night!

The mood tonight is “The Doors”, I’ve been listening to Morrison for the last two hours continuous. Manzarek’s hypnotic organ casts magic.

There’s no way to escape the spell.

There’s no way to escape from hell!

The music’s gotten to me…and so’ve the lyrics…the music is your special friend/ until THE END!

The face in the mirror won't stop,

The girl in the window won't drop,

A feast of friends--

"Alive!" she cried,

Waiting for me

Outside!

Before I sink

Into the big sleep,

I want to hear the scream

of the butterfly.

Come back, baby

Back into my arm.

We're getting tired of hanging around,

Waiting around

with our heads to the ground.

I hear a very gentle sound.

What have they done to the earth?

What have they done to our fair sister?

Ravaged and plundered

and ripped her and bit her

Stuck her with knives

in the side of the dawn

and tied her with fences

and dragged her down.

I hear a very gentle sound,

With your ear down to the ground--

We want the world and we want it

Now!

Okay since we’re in the mood for it let me describe the best high I’ve ever gotten:

My head felt like a crystal ball filled with smoke, floating in front of me, my body was suspended horizontally in deep dark black space. There were these metallic sounds ringing in my ears. Heat pulses raced from deep within the core to the outer most extremes of my self…right to the tips of my fingers, the end of my hair... I was awash with psychedelic lights. There was a tingling sensation swamping all my body. Only when I opened my eyes did I come back to reality. I saw the ceiling…the doors, the walls, the table at my feet: everything was still, the night was quiet. The trees outside were bathed in moonlight. And then I closed my eyes. My head swooned and the psychedelic lights were back.

I still remember our first night at Dharamsala, we’d just ordered dinner. It was quite late, around 11 p.m. Arko, Bish and I were talking when I heard some familiar music playing somewhere. Took the beer mug and walked outside through the back door. It was the unmistakable organ of Manzarek hypnotising me with “Light My Fire”.

The beer had already made me a little tipsy…and I felt light headed. Beer mug in one hand, fag in the other, I let myself be hypnotized by …GOD! And something that a whole lot of people will agree to is: with the alcohol exercising its effect my senses got amplified and I’ve never appreciated Morrison as much I did that night.

What a welcome that was!

….later

why this obsession with music which can be appreciated more under the influence of dope and booze. Why is Morrison god? Yes his lyrics and music are worth dying for, but why this obsession with the unworldly experience. Is the question rhetorical?

“Show me the way to the next whiskey bar

Oh don’t ask why,

Oh don’t ask why,

Show me the way to the next whiskey bar

Oh don’t ask why,

Oh don’t ask why,

For if we don’t find our way to the next whiskey bar

I tell you we must die…”

Morrison was obsessed with chaos, with disorder, destruction. A revolt was beautiful, disharmony was harmonious! It’s damn attractive. Infact we still live a good healthy part of our lives trying to realize that dream of becoming the ultimate junkies. The ones Kerouac talked of in “The Subterraneans”. It is said whatever Morrison did on stage was natural because it was under the influence of dope. Other stage performers fake everything. They do whatever they do because the audience wants to see it. Morrison did whatever he had sold his soul.

The thought that Morrison was introduced to rock music by his friends at UCLA is SO deep! Imagine if that’d not happened.

IMAGES

I stood still… but it wasn’t calm around me. I stood still while the storm raged around me. The world around me was as if possessed. The leaves flew fast, the dust got into my eyes, the branches kept breaking and the black sky roared and lit up in fury. The sheets of rain just poured and my clothes were drenched. Everybody ran for cover…I stood on the terrace.

I heard her voice. Calm but trembling with apprehension, she spoke. Why don’t you speak to me? Why do you stand-alone? Why so far away? I know I don’t talk much but that doesn’t mean you break all the ties... and the story took the unpredictable turn predictably…

…The sun descended slowly, and dropped off behind the cluster of buildings. A light breeze felt its way through her long soft hair. The loose dress she wore pulled away at her frail body. She stood on the cliff looking down. A hundred and fifty feet below the water frothed white. She had overcome the urge to live, she had overcome the most basic animal instinct to live, and now it didn’t matter. The dying soft orange rays of the sun set the sky ablaze… she took the final step forward.

He spread his arms. The black cloak he wore gave the impression of him having wings. He leaned over and pushed off. In slow motion: the cars rushing, down below him, the skyscrapers blurring into dark lines. His whole life flashed past his eyes in those few seconds. It was a lifetime compressed into a numbed consciousness. And then he hit the ground. He was dead.

When he opened his eyes…he was bleeding. His skull seemed to have cracked near his temple…there was a lot of blood from the right side of his head. He was dead. He saw people. But he felt no pain. He felt happy…in fact he felt ecstatic. He broke out into a song. He bled all over. He jumped, ran, stopped and he ran again. Then he turned around and started walking backwards. He was too happy to know what joy was.

I saw a man. The guy was wearing this dirty and patched up coat. He kept looking behind him and running fast. Then he’d stop and look back at the ground behind him: panic and run again. He finally stopped. Turned around and kicked and jumped on the ground in front of him.

Obviously he was mad. He was trying to get rid of his shadow.

… I saw the song come to life. I felt the colours run through my body. They pulsed with every beat. It was dark and shiny. It was purple. Felt like kilos of violet silken cloth wrapping up around me. It was A rhythmic metallic sound kept pricking my skin. And I felt heavy…yet I was floating. I wallowed in the purplish balmy liquid…

I was living my dream!

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you till it seems as though you could not hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn."-
Harriet Beecher Stowe

I was out for a bath. As i came back to my room, my cell beeped. Was a message from Frikol. Dude if you're reading this, man thanx a lot for the message. I'm surprised you remember today. Yes today it was that we landed in the village of Orsha. I still remember the wintry cold night. I remember the snow covering the whole landscape, glistening in moonlight. Yes we were happy, for we'd finally reached the blue planet. But it was also a time of parting for us. And the hour was sad.

Its been 20 long years from then on. And today is the twenty first time i recall that night. 20 years of disillusionment is all i can claim them to be. I have seen the hate that tears apart this world and i've seen heartening solidarity in whole nations coming together in times of grief. Its been a mixed time for me here. And humans are very complex creatures. Most of all today as i sit back and think of all that has passed me. I feel old, i feel like the better times of my share of time here on this planet slipping away.

Today is cold and dank. The streets are wet and as i was walking back from class i saw the neon street lights reflected off the wet road. I was smoking a cigarette. It was a romantic experience. No i don't mean that i'd have loved to walk down the road with a female. I mean to say that the feeling of walking dwon the way i was, alone and lost in the picture was complete. There was sheer joy in the whole setting and it required nothing more to fulfill its completeness.

Today is your birhtday, yes and i'm happy the way it has been till now. Its very different now, not like it used to be when you were a kid. You'd have all your friends come over for a birthday bash. It used to be a day looked forward to. You were the hero that day. The guy of the moment. Everyone form your aunt, to your grandmother to the even the driver doted on you today. All your friends got together and you'd play hide and seek or darkroom, and run amok. Turn the house upside down. It'd be a day of gifts. And i remember your first Moby Dick and The Adventures Of Tom Sawyer. And i remember your mild crush on Aditi. Ofcourse it was so innocent then and so harmless. I remember all the birthday games too. Tailing the donkey and others of the sort. I remember that one in particular when you'd looked up the recipe of butterfly sandwiches in The Telegraph and asked your mother to make them for your friends. And she made the most beautiful butterflies you'd ever seen.

Happy Birthday son...

marijuana...(death)

What follows on this post are the rantings of a night spent on a high. It was 22nd January, Saturday, Spring Fest. I had decided to kill myself, i'd decided to pull the trigger.

I wanted the bullet to plough through my brains. It was a dark, sad rainy night. There wasn't any anger, there wasn't any fear, no hope, no joy nor love either. It was a strange kind of completeness.

Here's what happened:


i wudnt know what s right, what is wrong... i know i'm confused. i should be, if things were easy...then nothing would be worth it. u came u saw... u conquered. i know that i know it for sure.

every beat of the song... sends blood pumping thru my system. i feel strange... its like living in my dream, its like crazed out, and freakyits mad and crazy... every thing is broken up in trances... every thing is psychedilic... purple lights

i feel like im dead. the underlying feeling... of being sad.. of hate &angst as hate has poured out, i hate this and why r we trying to change the level

why am i trying to move from pining for love to angst and hate...."pining for love" and "angst" 2 absolutely different frequencies...

I know u wlk the streets of death, of darkness hidden by light...the next level... and i wish u were here...

fuck every body's FREAKED OUT!!! theyve freaked out, evryon'es so differrent... every ones changed, i wanna die, wanna quit, yes i'm a cowaradi quit, i hvae nothing left to leave,,, my body weigs a million tonnes...hte earth pulls me in... this is heavier than ever...

i'm dead my frnd is dead too, i'm alne and so is she
were finished , over, all in all we wer all just bricks inthe wall...

i'll see this night thru .... yes its been funny at times... evry ones so confused.... i'm coughing ! aah it pains...sweet dear "air",,, are u always dead,.. i;m fling .. its SO wierd............................



sure was a crazy night. wasn't it??

spent

I feel like killing the whole world. When can I find to sit in the warm sunshine, on a cold winter’s morning listening to Simon and Garfunkel croon about being homeward bound. When do I have any time. She aptly said: time flies, tempus fugit.

“The fringed curtains of thine eye advance,
And say what thou seest yond”

No later does the world come together in a vicious grip, tightening squeezing every ounce, drop and iota of my energy. I suffocate.

Today was one of the worst. The meeting got over at 2 a.m. I went to Katoch’s room to write a lab. By 3:30 a.m. I was through with two pages and had nodded off to sleep. Katoch woke me up and asked me to come back in the morning. I cycled on a FREEZING January night from RK to NH. It was one of the purest experiences. Woke up at around 10 a.m. after pushing off to sleep at around 4:30 a.m. Ran to Katoch picked up the notices that were photocopied in the morning, and the lab report. Our experiment ran into 12 pages of writing and I got busy with that. Hurried through lunch , skipped my alternate day bath and ran off to class dog-tired.

After being on a constant dope and liquor high for a stretch of 2 days during SF. After being pushed through 4 hour nights on a heavy dosage of extreme stimulants, I’m presently having withdrawal symptoms. That’s what Katoch says, in fact it seems plausible too, coz I’m normally never tired after a 5 and a half hour sleep. I’m nodding off wherever I sit quietly for a while.

Anyways after a relatively peaceful lab I run to catch an Amitav Ghosh lecture. Too bad I was totally out of sorts today, or else I would have definitely enjoyed the talk immensely. I seriously have never read up such a versatile author in recent times. And man! He looks SO dignified. WHITE hair, black suit, and a red rose in the breast pocket. He looked classy.

After this I ran to Basant’s room to pick up the C-Up Your skills problem statements, and the notices. One glitch led to another… all were inevitabilities, and the notices got delayed by 1 hour.

And after all that happened we got jhaaroed by the heads today.

For the last 24 hours I haven’t had a single second to myself. I feel frust, dead and done with. I need a punching bag. I could make each head run naked on the streets right now, this cold night. I’m tired beyond imagination. My nerves are frayed and I’m absolutely spent. My nicotine consumption has shot up like never before, because now I can’t carry on any more on my own. I’m running full time on support systems (stimulants). In fact at present i'm too tired even to carry on any further. I need to shout at some one...

will do it but some other time now... bye

emotionally yours...

Human emotions are amazing aren’t they? At one moment the world seems to have been made for you and at the very next you're probably an ugly doormat that people use to clean their shoes with. This is the beauty of it all. A famous ghazal singer once said that a human is most creative when in deep pain or extreme joy.

I write in pain and grief, for joy there isn’t any left. I know I act stupid, I know I act impulsive. I know this is naïve but the rush of tumultuous emotions is a rush like no other. So let me flourish and let me revel. Let me make the most of it and God give me the strength. The strength to take it all on. Maybe tomorrow shall be a better day. Maybe tomorrow shall bring joy forth. Today is deep and dark and without light or hope. And from the deepest throes of pain let me scream and vent my fury cause this is my only way out, my only escape. Yes I am a coward for I a mortal. Yes I am thankful that mortals aren’t immune to all that is immortal.

Sometimes its always wrong. And sometimes I feel cheated. Sometimes the world is the cruellest joke played on you. In a flash your high up there and it couldn’t get rosier. And then in a bang your right down there, where you never thought you’d ever be.

Time flies they say. Everything seems to be running away from you. If there’s anything I’d ever want to be in an afterlife it would be a mountain. Loving an inanimate object is being lucky. They don’t cheat you, they don’t spurn you. They say the fear of rejection should be forgone for love is unconditional. But animals and inanimate objects understand this the best for their love is unconditional. Humans are not animals. They are humans.

I don’t know whats come over me. But this is the way I feel presently. I hope it doesn’t last long and I know my brain is trying to make sense of the moment at hand through these lines I speak to you. Calvin said my brain is trying to kill me. Einstien said time was relative. Everything is true and yet humans (which includes me) are probably the most despicable creatures on Mother Earth. I feel cheated, and this is what comes out. I cry and shout and scream. I can only marvel at Mother Earth’s tolerance.

… you should know that even though what I’ve written isn’t very coherent, what I feel at present must be very apparent. Deep anguish and deep pain- let me cry to myself now for that is all I have left- bye

elevation...

Well somethings up with me and this site it seems... somehow i've surpassed the impassable. I've continued writing unending pure bullshit for a period of over 7 days now. I don't know how this happened, but it is something good. Atleast i'm getting some tempo to write. Maybe i can let this grow and morph into something more meaningful and greater.

For the day that passed. Well it began on a very frustrating note as i ran for a 7:30 a.m. class in dense fog only to realise after having reached there that the class had been rescheduled to 8:30 a.m. And this after having gone to bed at 4 a.m. in the morning. The night had been pretty eventful and fruitful, maybe or maybe not we managed to avert something none of us would have wanted to happen: heads conducting volu interviews. Was a long wait through the night, but ultimately of consequence.

Sleepy through out the day, i slept thru most classes though i hope i didn't miss much of importance. Evening was probably the best of all. Volu selections, a first time experience of condcuting interviews. It was great fun asking people absolutely unexpected questions and checking out their reactions. It was a nice experience and was good fun to be back together.

After having been off from meetings for 2 days things resumed and we've returned to our normal schedules. Returning to our rooms late at night. ANd running to classes early in the morning though thankfully i have no classes tomorrow morning.

And yes to end with the terminal feelings of the day. It passed well. Certain small incidents throughout the day made me feel good. Yesterday onwards things had taken an upswing and thank god all my fears were founded wrong. Things went so well and peaceful. And everything's just great.

I guess its these small emotional upheavals that my poor self is subjected to make each day memorable and special. Yeah i may not be the regular long haired, nicotene, caffiene addict at heart. Maybe i'm a crazy romantic, in love with nature and its beauty. Infact that is one of my strong phases (refer to the phase theory in a previous post). And that is why my outer self often conflicts with the inner one. But then again there are times of absoute compatibility and mutual peace. When i'm so contended that i shun social contact. I like to be left alone, wallowing in my own thoughts and ponderings. This level of elevation often happens to me when i'm on a trip to the mountains. I always take a walk around the place on my own at least once. Nothing is then allowed to come in between me and my appreciation of nature. Its at times like this, any sort of company becomes a drag, be it her....

More on this later.... sorry for the abrupt end...

to you...

Another Sunday morning... another week gone by another week ahead. A Simon and Garfunkel songs wafts through the air. The soft lyrics, the sweet music. A balm to heal the pain. Theres lots i want to say. But no ear to heed me.

Some times, i'm a bird flying into the distant horizon hoping to find land. Sometimes i'm an African slave deep in the hull of a ship sailing towards the Americas, taking me away from home. Sometimes i'm a lover, pining for my unrequited love. Cofused. Damned. Worried. Crazy and yet madly in love. Sometimes i'm the mountain, towering above all the clouds, the sun shining bright on my icy cap. I could be the frothing, gurgling fountain making my way down the beautiful mountain side i wish i could be. Yes i am also the lonesome cactus in the desert, oblivious. I am the song of pain a lonely poet wrote.

I'm all the joy in the world, all the pain, all the beauty. But theres still someone who's greater than me. More beautiful, more happy, more sad. More meldious, brighter than the sun, darker than the night. Colder than the blizzard, fiercer than the storm.

She makes me humble, makes me small, diminishes my stature to nothingness...