Have a horrible feeling all my posts in this period will have a very similar tone. Have moments each and everyday when I shut out everything, darken my room and lie still in my bed to think of what is happening, trying to make sense of things. Point is I'm too tired to even stay awake for thirty seconds. At any given point in 24 hours I could lie on my bed and be off to sleep in 30 seconds!
Today the brief half minute showed me glimpses of sunnier days and happier smiles. When I lived a happier life, or atleast what now seems immensely enviable to me. When I could dream of a hundred magical possibilities. And now even they seem burnt. It's painful for me to think I can't get back those thoughts; almost seems like all the places, the people who were mine aren't anymore. They're all hijacked by my doubts. Torn away.
Its a funny state when nothing surprises you. This song just makes a WHOLE lot of sense now.
A heart that's full up like a landfill
A job that slowly kills you
Bruises that won't heal
You look so tired and unhappy
Bring down the government
They don't, they don't speak for us
I'll take a quiet life
A handshake of carbon monoxide
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
Silent, silent
This is my final fit, my final bellyache with
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises
No alarms and no surprises please
Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises (let me out of here)
No alarms and no surprises please (let me out of here)
-No Surprises, Radiohead
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Why do we need to feel belonged. I don't know. Isn't this what we sought an answer to today? And yet, it seems impossible to disengage from this charade. Wishing, like Simon & Garfunkel, I could say...
"I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor"
Risking the best things I've had, realizing nothing is absolute. And the one demon I hated so much maybe turn out to be good. Realizing you're WAY too different isn't good.
"I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor"
Risking the best things I've had, realizing nothing is absolute. And the one demon I hated so much maybe turn out to be good. Realizing you're WAY too different isn't good.
Another night and even though there maybe a lot left, I can't seem to bother anymore. There's one point beyond which I can't seem to go. And thats when I have to stop and sitback. I'm left with the last crystals of thoughts that seem to have faded with each passing day. Catching up with happy memories. Letting the smiles come through and the demons the past buried return. Each one trying to overpower the other. Free floating through a million thoughts, feeling overpoweringly happy and intensely pointless intermittently. Scared, haunted, happy and delirious.
Friday, July 18, 2008
incoherent
It's another Friday night in WIMWI land. Three weeks down; numerous quizzes, case studies, sleepless nights, fatigue until you collapse moments, feeling in the pits moments and coming back to lifes. And yet it's just been three weeks.
My FSI prof said I'd learn to beat the system soon. I don't know about it yet. But I guess, in the midst of it all, there are some things that keep you going. A parallel world I can escape to whenever I feel like. Where I am me. Where I can lie on my back, smell the air and look at the blue skies. Where I go everytime I switch off the lights in my room, play some soft Joan Baez, pull my chair to the neem-tree balcony and play along on my harmonica. Where I travel unkown cities and realise I'm not lost, where I find parts of me in pieces and in wholes. And everytime I find that person, everything starts making sense again. It's like finding someone you're most confortable with.
And even though the temptation to turn this fantastic magical world real is immense, I know I won't; I can't. The fear of losing its magic, its charm is much greater. I long for some amazing times the past had. Some most unique and beautiful. I'm lucky they happened. For I can derive joy out of any one such incident. Derive satisfaction enough to take me through the weeks here.
My FSI prof said I'd learn to beat the system soon. I don't know about it yet. But I guess, in the midst of it all, there are some things that keep you going. A parallel world I can escape to whenever I feel like. Where I am me. Where I can lie on my back, smell the air and look at the blue skies. Where I go everytime I switch off the lights in my room, play some soft Joan Baez, pull my chair to the neem-tree balcony and play along on my harmonica. Where I travel unkown cities and realise I'm not lost, where I find parts of me in pieces and in wholes. And everytime I find that person, everything starts making sense again. It's like finding someone you're most confortable with.
And even though the temptation to turn this fantastic magical world real is immense, I know I won't; I can't. The fear of losing its magic, its charm is much greater. I long for some amazing times the past had. Some most unique and beautiful. I'm lucky they happened. For I can derive joy out of any one such incident. Derive satisfaction enough to take me through the weeks here.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Suddenly, almost in a second, the fairytale came undone. Reality just scarred it. Horribly horribly. It was an effortless, slightest, imperceptible nudge over the edge. And it won't come back now. Nothing will bring it back. It may seem to return occasionally, but it's all a lie. Left at the bottom of the glass in the dregs of the drink that rejuvenated dreams. And like a standard disclaimer to end it with hope; here's hoping that this nightmare is just the result of a sleepless 24 hours.
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