Tuesday, February 28, 2006

song playing: "both sides now"- joni mitchell

mood: bluesy

the boy is often visited by this feeling. its when the boy wishes he could shut out the lights in his room and goto sleep. song playing on low volume to sooth the tired boy.he's repentant about things done. by him. realizing that the hurt done will take a long time to heal. praying it'd heal. knowing it looks stupid to say that now. but still praying. he didn't mean to. he was flooded by the magic. blinded almost. but thats no excuse. i don't think it is.

its like that U2 song..."You say you’ll give me..... A harbour in the tempest". right now the boy tells me he's looking for the harbour.



Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way

But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away

I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all

-Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell

Friday, February 24, 2006

crave

A long time it has been since I've shown up here. It's heartening to see people still drop by. Thank you! :) I am in Cal. at present. Over the weekend, just after my midsems. No explanations on offer on why such infrequency. Let me just say it's taking effort. Am just a little weary.

Something from the internet.


"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk
about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your... and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't' want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."- Sarah Kane, Crave.

Monday, February 06, 2006

"I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around--nobody big, I mean--except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go over the cliff--I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye and all. I know it's crazy, but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy."
-Holden Caulfield, Catcher In The Rye.
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looking for expressions to fit the feelings
. finding the right fit seems extremely difficult.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Republic Day...

Happy Republic Day! Heres a slice of the way it was celebrated on DC++ main chat, the peer to peer sharing software we use on campus. It is my source of a few laughs daily. A good exercise, a few early morning laughs :)

[SAm....] radio: http://10.101.6.229:8000
[Tifosi™] ALL THOSE WHO WANT INDIA TO SHINE PRESS 1
[...samReLoaded] yo
[Tifosi™] 1
[...samReLoaded] 1
[SAm....] Desh bhakti k gaane radio: http://10.101.6.229:8000
[Amitabh] 1
[SAm....] 1
[...aaloo] 1
[...samReLoaded] 1
[Tifosi™] good, i am happy with the response
[...samReLoaded] uo india
[GARAM_MASALA] 1
[Tifosi™] yo india
[...samReLoaded] yooooooooooooooooooooooooo
[Tifosi™] chalo tempo shout dete hai
[...aaloo] chalo
[neo_one] HAPPY REPUBLIC DAY
[Tifosi™] india ka tempo
[...samReLoaded] india ka tempo.....
[...aaloo] high hai
[Dean] high hai
[...samReLoaded] india ka tempo
[Tifosi™] high hai
[...aaloo] high hai
[Dean] high hai
[neo_one] HIGH HAI
[...samReLoaded] india india
[...samReLoaded] yo india
[Dean] india india
[Tifosi™] clap clap clap
[Dean] clap clap clap !!!
[Tifosi™] yo india
[Dean] yoyoy yooo yoooo
[SAm....] radio: http://10.101.6.229:8000
[dwerq] 1
[dwerq] 1
[SAm....] radio: http://10.101.6.229:8000
[Tifosi™] yeh hagga radio hai
[Tifosi™] hindi gana bajata hai

Friday, January 06, 2006

updates

Well its the first weekend of the year and i'm back home. Nice week it has been. Academic workload is an independant property but class hours this semester have suffered a much welcome reduction. 21 hours compared to last weeks 30+ is heaven. The funny feeling everyday last week was "What do i do now?" which resulted in concerns and uncomfortable questions: "I hope i'm not missing out on something important..?".

Yeniways did get some work done. Work which had accumulated simply accorded to lyaathe. Decided to snap out of perpetual will-do-later attacks and get things going! Tomorrow calls for a trip to college street for a few books. Will go to that part of the city after quite sometime. Last time i went there i ran into DD most accidentally.

A good friend went through a break up while i was away in Dec. Funny i thought to myself the other day as I realized that i wasn't around when they became a couple and I wasn't around when they broke off too. Most strange his story has been.

Parting news for villagers- Schol Ave issues are out by the time you read this. Get your copy!

Monday, January 02, 2006


lost at sea

the process is very interesting. i had a certain set of thoughts in my head. i googled and found this picture to describe them to a certain extent. you will look at the picture and try to interpret my thoughts, your own interpretation. nothing comes out of it. neither does anything go in. it was just a set of thoughts anyway.

Friday, December 30, 2005

year end...

yes the year is almost over. another one. personally i regard it as the most significant ever. in a general view though it definitely isn't the way i would have wanted to the year to go. in an air of fear. its very difficult to ignore the omnipresence of fear, akin to the winter chill all over the country. i'll be going back to college, apparently now no more a very safe place. a possible target for terrorists, they said on the news the other day. beefed up security.

i came home a few days back. for the villagers who read this page, it should be heartening news that kgp won the gc at roorkee. a most unexpected but pleasant outcome. in a series of unexpected events, our football team fell to a lot of bad luck and exited in the first rounds itself. but as a part of the athletics team, i managed my first ever inter iit bronze in the 4*100 ms relay. i also clocked my fastest 100 ms ever- 11.75 s. (sadly this was the heats, the finals i screwed up :( ) but i shall get better yet. the relay was defintely a confidence builder.

the second phase of my journey was super! i learnt a lot and i think its given me a lot of things to think about. a change in perspective too. hopefully i can accomadate all of the baggage as i move into the new year.

my favourite places in mumbai now are marine drive, juhu chowpatti, haji ali and all the cafe mochas. i'm sure we'll find better places still in more trips to follow.
...............................

there are a lot of thing i'd want to write about. about how it feels to visit places you've lived in 16 years back. of childhood memories revisiting. of watching the sunset over the mumbai skyline, while sitting on marine drive. of the feeling of my body going hollow as the train pulled away from mumbai cst.

i think i'll let it be for some other time.
...............................

heres wishing all of you a great new year ahead!