monsoon

It's pouring away outside. I'm sitting in my room on the terrace catching flashes of lightning illuminate the night outside. Each flash captures a black and white snap of the trees bent over and the raindrops frozen in midair. It's almost as if there's a mountain stream running wild over my terrace. It's a stormy rainy night, the one that's the source of so many stories. And for some reason I'm too excited to sleep!!

Have been filled with this warm fuzzy feeling all evening. Am glad to discover that I can feel that way again. Lost in thoughts of happy possibilities (which I shall keep untainted from the real world, unrealized and perfect); thoughts of trips made together. Discovering a strange ancient city, discovering myself and a stranger. A world of limitless magical possibilities and fantastic adventures.

I realize that sometimes things are so much better in your head. It's so much better to preserve it that way. I'm glad that I can exit the real world and revel in this beautiful make believe place where everything is perfect. Where everything is different from so many things intolerable in reality. I can't word the feelings too well. I wish I could!

I think I absolutely LOVE the rains :)

A mixed post

For the past two days, whenever I see the word home I stop. I read it twice and think to myself what it could mean. I realize that at such a juncture I'm bludgeoned with too many such thoughts.

I've never been good at transitions. And there have been too many in my life. I was born in Bombay, moved to Pune, schooled in Calcutta, 'colleged' in Kharagpur, worked in Bombay and now am on my way to Ahmedabad for another two years a student. On one hand, the thought that after this my life will remain that of a working man for the next 35 odd years after I graduate petrifies me. On the other at times I wish there wasn't so much change as with each one of them I'm left with a huge sense of turmoil inside me.

Friends, contacts, memories and precious moments... the whole lot is lost and each new place brings forth the task of building it all over again. Somehow after so many 'moving on's every time I meet new people I always have it at the back of my mind that this too shall pass. It is a terrible affliction to have; "being bad at keeping in touch", people don't realize when they casually claim that about themselves. I guess it makes you realize, that maybe even though it maybe cumbersome. Nothing beats an email at a regular interval to people you've known.

I miss Bombay, the hostel and the freedom I had there. In bits it was the life I'd aspire to have one day. Moving out changed the equations and the people I knew are already dimming in my memory. Losing associations scares me the most since I know they are what will hold you through. Similarly, I miss Kgp; and school; and every place I've moved away from. It's the people that I've lost touch with, who at a certain point in time were the most important. This is one of those moments when you realize you need an anchor. One equation thats only made up of constants. The feeling of reassurance of someone having your back is priceless I believe.

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I was reading up old posts in my blog today. I guess the best thing is that since it's been around for 3 years now (!) there are things that age back to a forgotten time. I started out in my second year. I still remember those months working for the Tech Fest. It was frustrating, exhilarating and all new. Over that period of 6-7 months as we bonded together as a team I made newer friends who I remember whenever I think of Kgp. A fellow U2 lover, a Gangtok trip with a future great friend (who's married now!), a crazy couple who found themselves over those few months and the endless jokes that went around, the last day and the emptiness as the fest got over... a whole lot of incidents and friends in there :)

There are many days that I've captured, which now when I read come back to me. And some don't at all, even after reading them!

Another amazing thing is going through the comments. More than anything, just as much as the posts, the comments make up a few memories too. There were soo many people who've visited these pages. Some were regulars. But some were not. And I'm really curious about them. Most of their links don't route to a blog. And even if they do they've stopped blogging a long time back. I wonder where and how they are. In case one of you is reading this, hope you're doing well and good :). Three years is a looong time.

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This one month, like a lot of the other times I've spent in Calcutta of late, forms strange impressions of the city in me. I guess since my stay in the city has been very limited, I've been impressed upon a lot with other places to always end up comparing and seeing the differences between here and elsewhere. For one I notice that Cal. is like an island, a bubble stranded in a time zone which is static. Most things remain the same here. Ten years may go past, but the moodikhana dokan closest to your house will still look the same. Kaku would have probably aged a little more, maybe his son would have joined in the business too. But the whole strip of maggi noodles will still be hanging from the same hook in the same corner of the shop. The thing is thats where I guess a sense of belonging comes to this place. That how everyone here ends up being so comfortable and aware of whats around them. There are many more such things I have in my head. Maybe will write them out some other time.

I've just got about a week left before I'm off to Ahmedabad. A lot of people who've gone to A start an alternative blog to log in their days at A. I guess I'll just stick to this one. Though I don't see how I'd manage along with the killer schedule they have. Still I'll hope, that despite the schedule, as a few friends did point out, it'll be worth the grind.

One rambling post this has been. I'll be lucky if you're still around :)

The longest standing friend you ever had has decided to be a stranger you never met. The farthest you thought this would go has limited itself to a view. And now, as futile as it is to capture the sky through the lens, the picture will always be in your head.