a year past. a lot of things found and a lot of things lost. a lot of shiny new feelings and reflections of the self in different shades of light, dark and blue. a few days back i hit the realisation that time was speeding past silently. i lost myself, wondering what will happen to us. fearing the storm that promises to make the sea a monster. but promises too, to make it the worthiest sail of all.
somehow i just can't communicate the senses that form the lumps in my throat. if you'd ask me, i'd say "nothing"....
lets hope the lumps just evaporate!
shelter in song...
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Sunday, April 16, 2006
its a 4 day weekend we're not celebrating. eggjams be damned! not too many thoughts to distill off my head right now, the heat be cursed!
foul mood prevails and catastrophic thinking spirals* eat up brain cells.... sorry, pathetic unintended rhyme.
a pretty rough week up ahead, with all possible class tests and group project final presentation. the latter i know nought of. seeking refuge in song, right now winamp plays tangled up in blue.
been watching parts of dil chahta hai to offload the heaviness that has set into the night. tanhayee i think is a classic. it be intensely angsty and thus be liked.
shubho noboborsho to all! may the year bring much joy and happiness!
.........
alter ego proceeds to ponder over lost beliefs. thoughts that gave hope and made days brighter...
*an expression i picked up from another blog, i think we both suffer from the same ailment- catastrophic thinking spirals
foul mood prevails and catastrophic thinking spirals* eat up brain cells.... sorry, pathetic unintended rhyme.
a pretty rough week up ahead, with all possible class tests and group project final presentation. the latter i know nought of. seeking refuge in song, right now winamp plays tangled up in blue.
been watching parts of dil chahta hai to offload the heaviness that has set into the night. tanhayee i think is a classic. it be intensely angsty and thus be liked.
shubho noboborsho to all! may the year bring much joy and happiness!
.........
alter ego proceeds to ponder over lost beliefs. thoughts that gave hope and made days brighter...
*an expression i picked up from another blog, i think we both suffer from the same ailment- catastrophic thinking spirals
Monday, April 10, 2006
3 weeks until the end of the month. summers and final year are all that shall be left of college life. a two month internship in maximum city (no, i haven't read the book). a place i like to romanticise about.
i've found a new song to fall in love with. i've been traversing cyberspace and reading eloquent eloquent blogs. thanks to one post i fell in love with a favourite u2 no. all over again. another one lead me to discover joni mitchell to her unfathomable depths.
in village news, western vocals was a debacle. our guitarist had apparently on some previous occasion tried to win the attention of the pretty young lady who was also the judge. obviously she did let us know what she felt about the attention.
the soc-cult gc scene is set to travel into interesting times. rk are seemingly within range of netting a golden gc, with everyone obviously trying hard to prevent that from happening. (read: the hall running in for 2nd place benefits and incites more chaos ;), they call it poltu in the village )
state of mind is pretty weird at times. the thoughts have voracious appetites and eat up the brain matter often. fears and worries. shadows haunting the empty corridors of a blank mind. its difficult not to think. the music helps at times. theres always a song for every mood, every feeling, every colour. someone teach me how to encode songs on a blog?
exam weeks up ahead... hopefull they'll drive me frust enough to post with a little more frequency.
i also realized, that other than the regulars (ofcourse, i'm making a big assumption here that there are still people left who read the blog), there are some visitors who've never commented. hi! :) to you. why not leave a comment this time round?
i've found a new song to fall in love with. i've been traversing cyberspace and reading eloquent eloquent blogs. thanks to one post i fell in love with a favourite u2 no. all over again. another one lead me to discover joni mitchell to her unfathomable depths.
in village news, western vocals was a debacle. our guitarist had apparently on some previous occasion tried to win the attention of the pretty young lady who was also the judge. obviously she did let us know what she felt about the attention.
the soc-cult gc scene is set to travel into interesting times. rk are seemingly within range of netting a golden gc, with everyone obviously trying hard to prevent that from happening. (read: the hall running in for 2nd place benefits and incites more chaos ;), they call it poltu in the village )
state of mind is pretty weird at times. the thoughts have voracious appetites and eat up the brain matter often. fears and worries. shadows haunting the empty corridors of a blank mind. its difficult not to think. the music helps at times. theres always a song for every mood, every feeling, every colour. someone teach me how to encode songs on a blog?
exam weeks up ahead... hopefull they'll drive me frust enough to post with a little more frequency.
i also realized, that other than the regulars (ofcourse, i'm making a big assumption here that there are still people left who read the blog), there are some visitors who've never commented. hi! :) to you. why not leave a comment this time round?
Friday, March 31, 2006
It’s been a long time since I've done some wondering around here. Not blogging for a long time leaves you with some problems. Too many things to talk about in one go. Doesn't work too well always.
Ravings and rantings about the village is mostly awl of this post.
A first is up for me next week. Though I did debut in western groups, western vocals will be more percentage of stage area hogged. No, I’m not exactly crazy about it. I think I do a decent job. The modest me says, lets see what happens. The not so modest me is hoping to cause a few upsets. I can promise it shall be memorable.
In other Kgp news, holi was played in colours true to Kgp spirit. Did not try the bhang served in the mess as I felt very holy on the particular day. To avoid sacrificing another t-shirt to the festival I decided to go without one. It was one of my shortest holi yet, as I did not venture out of the hall. Spreading colours in all the wings was satisfying enough.
I haven't been home for over a month now. Not that I miss it. Kolkata is a place I’ve lost touch with in a big way. Friends have all mostly left the place. The para folks are the only ones I meet every weekend that I go back. Till a couple of years back, pujo was the time for old timers. Friends would return to the city and meet-ups planned. Now, my last anchor in the whole scheme of things has gone his way too... Anyways... that shall be extolled upon some other day.
I am home at present. I'm a little worried. I caught myself gazing in awe at all the riveted connections that hold up Howrah bridge. The design of steel structures class has surely had its ill effects on my impressionable mind.
I think I shall exit here as I feel I'm stretching a bad post too far.
Ravings and rantings about the village is mostly awl of this post.
A first is up for me next week. Though I did debut in western groups, western vocals will be more percentage of stage area hogged. No, I’m not exactly crazy about it. I think I do a decent job. The modest me says, lets see what happens. The not so modest me is hoping to cause a few upsets. I can promise it shall be memorable.
In other Kgp news, holi was played in colours true to Kgp spirit. Did not try the bhang served in the mess as I felt very holy on the particular day. To avoid sacrificing another t-shirt to the festival I decided to go without one. It was one of my shortest holi yet, as I did not venture out of the hall. Spreading colours in all the wings was satisfying enough.
I haven't been home for over a month now. Not that I miss it. Kolkata is a place I’ve lost touch with in a big way. Friends have all mostly left the place. The para folks are the only ones I meet every weekend that I go back. Till a couple of years back, pujo was the time for old timers. Friends would return to the city and meet-ups planned. Now, my last anchor in the whole scheme of things has gone his way too... Anyways... that shall be extolled upon some other day.
I am home at present. I'm a little worried. I caught myself gazing in awe at all the riveted connections that hold up Howrah bridge. The design of steel structures class has surely had its ill effects on my impressionable mind.
I think I shall exit here as I feel I'm stretching a bad post too far.
Monday, March 20, 2006
the lovers
And since we're talking of love and things like that. Heres something I loved reading.
The Lovers
The Lovers will drink wine night and day.
They will drink until they can tear away the veils of intellect and melt away the layers of shame and modesty.
When in Love, body, mind, heart and soul don't even exist.
Become this,
fall in Love, and you will not be separated again.
-Rumi
Everytime I chance upon this guys poems they blow me away. Just had to post this.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
TAG!
Back on this page after a LONG time. I've been perfectly fine. Just somehow never got around to post. I've been tagged. For a long time now. Twice over. It’s the 8 things about your lover tag. It’s the chance to make the dream wishlist even Santa would have difficulty in fulfilling. But the enviable justification of being a tag, it should not be wasted.
Infact the list that follows is stuff I randomly came up with. It in no way comes close to listing all that could be wanted in a dream partner. And moreover I guess it holds both ways, i.e. yours truly must needfully fulfill all the following criteria too.
She:
1) Should be someone who'd take my quirks and make me feel comfortable. I should be able to open up to her, not fearing that by doing so she’d use anything against me.
2) Should be someone I can talk crap to all day long, be my crazy loony self and should pretend she's enjoying it all the way.
3) Should understand me: not be affected by my nonchalance, my detachedness... often mistakenly linked to me being an unfeeling person. Should basically realize that at times I am like that and let it be.
4) Shouldn’t necessarily be all like me. Infact, we should compliment each other, enrich each other with our thoughts and takes on life.
5) Should respect me for what I am. Criticize the bad things, appreciate the good. Be proud of me the way I am: sappy, crappy, weird, mad, unfeeling, uncaring... it’s called love baby! And they say it’s blind.
6) Should reciprocate my feelings; make me feel wanted, cared for and special.
7) Must needs be talkative and not be discouraged by my quiet moods.
8) Should not expect me to direct things always. I often believe in taking the backseat. Being laid back and unworried is in my nature.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that, she should accept me the way I am and be proud at that.
Phew!
Finally done. I refuse to tag anybody else as I don't believe in propagating evil.
I think i will post up in a while. Though knowing myself I wouldn't promise that yet.
Infact the list that follows is stuff I randomly came up with. It in no way comes close to listing all that could be wanted in a dream partner. And moreover I guess it holds both ways, i.e. yours truly must needfully fulfill all the following criteria too.
She:
1) Should be someone who'd take my quirks and make me feel comfortable. I should be able to open up to her, not fearing that by doing so she’d use anything against me.
2) Should be someone I can talk crap to all day long, be my crazy loony self and should pretend she's enjoying it all the way.
3) Should understand me: not be affected by my nonchalance, my detachedness... often mistakenly linked to me being an unfeeling person. Should basically realize that at times I am like that and let it be.
4) Shouldn’t necessarily be all like me. Infact, we should compliment each other, enrich each other with our thoughts and takes on life.
5) Should respect me for what I am. Criticize the bad things, appreciate the good. Be proud of me the way I am: sappy, crappy, weird, mad, unfeeling, uncaring... it’s called love baby! And they say it’s blind.
6) Should reciprocate my feelings; make me feel wanted, cared for and special.
7) Must needs be talkative and not be discouraged by my quiet moods.
8) Should not expect me to direct things always. I often believe in taking the backseat. Being laid back and unworried is in my nature.
I guess what i'm trying to say is that, she should accept me the way I am and be proud at that.
Phew!
Finally done. I refuse to tag anybody else as I don't believe in propagating evil.
I think i will post up in a while. Though knowing myself I wouldn't promise that yet.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
song playing: "both sides now"- joni mitchell
mood: bluesy
the boy is often visited by this feeling. its when the boy wishes he could shut out the lights in his room and goto sleep. song playing on low volume to sooth the tired boy.he's repentant about things done. by him. realizing that the hurt done will take a long time to heal. praying it'd heal. knowing it looks stupid to say that now. but still praying. he didn't mean to. he was flooded by the magic. blinded almost. but thats no excuse. i don't think it is.
its like that U2 song..."You say you’ll give me..... A harbour in the tempest". right now the boy tells me he's looking for the harbour.
mood: bluesy
the boy is often visited by this feeling. its when the boy wishes he could shut out the lights in his room and goto sleep. song playing on low volume to sooth the tired boy.he's repentant about things done. by him. realizing that the hurt done will take a long time to heal. praying it'd heal. knowing it looks stupid to say that now. but still praying. he didn't mean to. he was flooded by the magic. blinded almost. but thats no excuse. i don't think it is.
its like that U2 song..."You say you’ll give me..... A harbour in the tempest". right now the boy tells me he's looking for the harbour.
Moons and junes and ferris wheels
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way
But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away
I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all
The dizzy dancing way you feel
As ev’ry fairy tale comes real
I’ve looked at love that way
But now it’s just another show
You leave ’em laughing when you go
And if you care, don’t let them know
Don’t give yourself away
I’ve looked at love from both sides now
From give and take, and still somehow
It’s love’s illusions I recall
I really don’t know love at all
-Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell
Friday, February 24, 2006
crave
A long time it has been since I've shown up here. It's heartening to see people still drop by. Thank you! :) I am in Cal. at present. Over the weekend, just after my midsems. No explanations on offer on why such infrequency. Let me just say it's taking effort. Am just a little weary.
Something from the internet.
"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk
about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your... and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't' want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."- Sarah Kane, Crave.
Something from the internet.
"And I want to play hide-and-seek and give you my clothes and tell you I like your shoes and sit on the steps while you take a bath and massage your neck and kiss your feet and hold your hand and go for a meal and not mind when you eat my food and meet you at Rudy's and talk
about the day and type your letters and carry your boxes and laugh at your paranoia and give you tapes you don't listen to and watch great films and watch terrible films and complain about the radio and take pictures of you when you're sleeping and get up to fetch you coffee and bagels and Danish and go to Florent and drink coffee at midnight and have you steal my cigarettes and never be able to find a match and tell you about the the programme I saw the night before and take you to the eye hospital and not laugh at your jokes and want you in the morning but let you sleep for a while and kiss your back and stroke your skin and tell you how much I love your hair your eyes your lips your neck your breasts your arse your... and sit on the steps smoking till your neighbour comes home and sit on the steps smoking till you come home and worry when you're late and be amazed when you're early and give you sunflowers and go to your party and dance till I'm black and be sorry when I'm wrong and happy when you forgive me and look at your photos and wish I'd known you forever and hear your voice in my ear and feel your skin on my skin and get scared when you're angry and your eye has gone red and the other eye blue and your hair to the left and your face oriental and tell you you're gorgeous and hug you when you're anxious and hold you when you hurt and want you when I smell you and offend you when I touch you and whimper when I'm next to you and whimper when I'm not and dribble on your breast and smother you in the night and get cold when you take the blanket and hot when you don't and melt when you smile and dissolve when you laugh and not understand why you think I'm rejecting you when I'm not rejecting you and wonder how you could think I'd ever reject you and wonder who you are but accept you anyway and tell you about the tree angel enchanted forest boy who flew across the ocean because he loved you and write poems for you and wonder why you don't believe me and have a feeling so deep I can't find words for it and want to buy you a kitten I'd get jealous of because it would get more attention than me and keep you in bed when you have to go and cry like a baby when you finally do and get rid of the roaches and buy you presents you don't want and take them away again and ask you to marry me and you say no again but keep on asking because though you think I don't mean it I do always have from the first time I asked you and wander the city thinking it's empty without you and want what you want and think I'm losing myself but know I'm safe with you and tell you the worst of me and try to give you the best of me because you don't deserve any less and answer your questions when I'd rather not and tell you the truth when I really don't' want to and try to be honest because I know you prefer it and think it's all over but hang on in for just ten more minutes before you throw me out of your life and forget who I am and try to get closer to you because it's a beautiful learning to know you and well worth the effort and speak German to you badly and Hebrew to you worse and make love with you at three in the morning and somehow somehow somehow communicate some of the overwhelming undying overpowering unconditional all-encompassing heart-enriching mind-expanding on-going never-ending love I have for you."- Sarah Kane, Crave.
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