JDS went out, two days before I aged another year. It's almost fitting that I have R.E.M. playing loopy songs dragging me along with them. Stranded between two different feelings unable to be captured by either emotion, it's like losing ones way in the jungle acutely aware of being lost and yet not knowing if you want to find your way back.

I recently came back from a couple of games that become part of your permanent memory. Like the relay victory back in 11th, or the 100 ms. gold the same year at annual school sports. The two match winning goals are now a permanent imprint in memory.

After getting back though, the sense of euphoria disappeared suddenly; it got sucked into a hollow pit and left behind a huge vacumn that refused to budge despite my strongest efforts. I stared at the walls in my room for many days hoping they would magically turn into unicorns and make me go chasing. But walls don't become unicorns, which is why they are walls and unicorns are mythical. It was new, unexpected... why something I literally dreamt of doing turning into reality would feel so contrary to expectations.

Nevertheless with the music back on after a whole year of quiet, familiar ghosts visit again. And the fact that soon the place will empty out and there'll be no shadows to take shelter in, seeps in steadily through the inadequately waterproofed roof and floods everything in my room.